Happy New Year 2020

Happy New Year Everyone!

We are getting ready to go home from our Christmas vacation tomorrow morning from here in California. Back to Washington, back to work, back to routine. I've decided not to have any New Years resolution this year. I just want God to lead the way. I have too much going on inside of me to really narrow it down.

Being with family this year was what was needed for all of us. 2019 was a trying year and now I just need to look forward. I pray it is a good year for all of us.

This is a short post, mainly I wanted to take the time to wish everyone who reads this a blessed new year.

Christmas Isn't Just A Day On The Calendar

Christmas isn't just a day on the calendar. It is a season that is meant for family and friends gathering together, celebrating life, supporting each other, loving each other through our laughter and our tears. It is believing in all that God has to offer. It is having faith that things will be alright even when things look their darkest.

For me, too many years have passed where Christmas has been lost. Not enough time to celebrate, not enough time to take off to be with family, Not enough time to let the season build up to the climax that is meant to be.

The plain and simple fact is, I'm hurting deep inside and a part of me feels broken. Too much is going on inside of me. I have confided in someone that I feel and care way to much. I feel so much it hurts and I don't know how to handle it, it's like I'm almost going numb inside as a way to protect myself. It is all very confusing. I also feel guilty that I'm having a difficult time handling it.

I am lost, which is why I'm finally taking time for myself. I'm taking a breather away from work and will try to take time to try to heal. I can't take care of anyone else until I care for what I need. The problem is I'm not sure exactly what I need. I'm thankful that my husband is understanding during this time and is supporting me.

I am also thankful for a beautiful soul who has heard my heart, has not judged me and who has been there as only a true friend can be. Who tells me every chance they get, that I have "got this day".

During a talk recently I was told that I am blessed. I looked at this person with a look I know showed my doubts. This person said that I may feel out of control and very hurt and devastated right now, but that also means I "feel" and "enjoy" and I take great pleasure in the things that mean the most in life as well. Whether it be with friends, family, or seeing the beauty around me in everyday living.

I've been reminded that I need to lean on faith and renew my belief in God that he will lead me to where I am meant to be.

Maybe my Christmas miracle will be that I find my way again and find the balance I need in my life that will allow me to live again with meaning in my life and the confidence I need for my future.

As I said in the first paragraph Christmas isn't just a day on the calendar. It is a season that is meant for family and friends gathering together, celebrating life, supporting each other, loving each other through our laughter and our tears. It is believing in all that God has to offer. It is having faith that things will be alright even when things look their darkest.

I will look to the light of God to lead me in faith.

Christmas is Coming

It is December 4th and Christmas is coming closer with each day that passes. I'm working and the anxiety I feel as I push to go to work each day is getting worse and worse.

The best things is, I have memories of taking mom shopping. She could barely get around, but she was stubborn and insisted in getting out. She bought a Christmas sweater with bells and large green and red fuzzy balls and sparkles to wear on Christmas. She saw a Mrs Santa dress she wanted me to wear on Christmas and of course I got it and I wore it on Christmas Day.

I'm truly trying to look at the blessings I have and I have a lot of them, but I'd be remiss to not acknowledge the heartache our family is going through.

My sister's Kathy ex mother-in-law died on Monday December 2nd. She died in a similar way my mother died. We were all family from the very beginning, the separation doesn't take the love we all have for each other.

My cousin's husband is very sick, he has brain cancer and sadly I understand he isn't expected to live. We were all close at one time and I feel for my (sister)cousin and my nieces for what they are going through. It isn't easy and my heart breaks for them.

My {brother) Cousin, ex wife has pancreatic stage 4 cancer. The heartache I feel for my niece and the whole family is real even though we don't see each other.

I just want to say, I love my family, my cousins and all of my nieces and nephews even though we don't see each other or talk. I've always prayed and wanted their lives to be good.

You can see why this Christmas is hard, it is hard for everyone. My husbands mother is getting up there with her own medical issues and my husbands brother is also sick.


This year at Christmas I'm going to try do do everything I can to be with my family. I am asking for FMLA, and if I can't get it, I'd be willing to quit my job to be with them. Emotionally, I'm a nervous wreck and it is very difficult to function on a daily basis. We To see family and to spend time with them. We need each other. I need them. Selling luxury jewelry isn't important when family needs each other. I can't give 100% to my customers when my mind and heart are somewhere else and I'm falling apart.

My family has a lot of blessings, I have a lot of blessings. We have our families and we are there for each other when we can be.

I am hopeful that as Christmas comes, we can make the magic of Christmas happen by being together and reigniting what Christmas is to all of us.

I have to go for now.

Count your blessings.

The Holidays and the Sorrow I Feel

It is almost Thanksgiving again. I haven't written a blog since last year at Thanksgiving. I'm saddened and heartbroken that I won't be able to spend the day with my mom again. We will never have the opportunity to have time together for the Holidays. This has been one of the most heartbreaking times I can remember. I don't even have the memories of Thanksgiving for last year, because I was forced to work. I couldn't get off and I tried. I'm sorry I just didn't call out sick and live with the consequences. My last blog covers how I feel about working on the holidays and what happened last year.

My mother has steadily declined in health and we almost lost her a few times before and after Christmas last year and after the first of the year we had a lot of close calls. I took off more and more work, but could't afford to quit, because of bills and having to live. Life has really sucked. Feeling guilty for not being there more for mom, and my brother even though I spend almost all of my free time and days off there trying to help and just be there didn't help the over all guilt.

Mom had been suffering with a failing heart, debilitating diabetes, loss of eye site and excruciating pain from neuropathy that left her bedridden and in and out of reality as her mind became lost in time, then back to reality, letting us know she was not ready to go. Mom fought hard to live, stubborn and opinionated. She loved her family with every fiber of her being and was heart broken as her poor body just gave out. Mom didn't want to give up, but towards the end there was no relief from the pain, she couldn't get around and she depended on everyone to help her with every need. Mom finally started begging for death, because she was suffering so much.

I called my sisters and brother and let family know, that I knew that mom's times was coming to an end. Family came from out of state to be with mom, to be with her and each other, supporting, loving and just being together knowing it would be the last time we'd all be together with mom.

All of us felt helpless, we had help from home nurses that came a few times a week and we finally got Hospice to help out. We couldn't get 24 hour care to help. Mom had been adamant about not going to a home. She wanted to be home in her own bed and not some uncaring care facility where she would be forgotten and would just be waiting to die. Mom considered a home a death sentence.

As a family that last weekend we didn't have a choice. Mom didn't know where she was at most of the time and had been in and out of delirium for weeks. We all decided to have mom put in a home so she could get the care she needed and to help with getting her pain under control. We didn't want mom to suffer in her final days like she had been.

Mom went into the home and four days later she was gone.

On Friday May 10th 2019 at 4:08 pm, our mother died. My brother Chuck and I were with her as she took her last breath and slipped away to soar with the Angels and to go home to God. I can't even express the grief and sadness we felt as we stood by her side with no choice but to watch her go. We called our sisters, Kathy and Linda, my brother Alex. We tried to console each other, but grief has no timeline.

I pushed myself to work after taking time off, but it didn't help. It doesn't help to keep pushing through. I'm working job I resent. working weekends and holidays isn't working for me. I need change in my life. Other things are going on in my life that I won't talk about here and I'm having a difficult time handling everything. I can't face the holidays this year and work. I need time off. I need time with family. No job is so important that you have to miss the most important things in life. I'll find a way to be with family this year no matter what it takes.

Don't put off being with family and loved ones, because one day they won't be here. Make your time count.

Thanksgiving an American Family Holiday- Missing what is Important

It is November again, my how time flies. I'm going to do some ranting in this blog, so beware.

I just got my work schedule and I am scheduled to work through Thanksgiving weekend. I did not volunteer to work. I'm upset that I don't get to spend at least Thanksgiving Day with my family. Why can't businesses close on a family holiday to let people be with the ones they love. Selling luxury items is not a necessity, but the company is only thinking about the bottom line and not the moral of their employees.

When I expressed my deep disappointment about having to work on Thanksgiving Day with my boss, he tried to tell the upside is getting overtime pay.

Well, family is more important than money. You can't ever get this time back.

He proceeded to tell me that I was not the only one who was upset about this and then he went on to tell me about his getting a three day weekend on Thanksgiving and how he is going to enjoy it. I truly am happy for him, but his timing in telling me this was inconsiderate and downright rude, especially since I had been tearful in expressing my own frustration and disappointment. It totally felt like he was putting salt in an open wound.

I'm really upset that I have to work, and people like me have to work, because the public can't take a day off from shopping and dealing with customer service issues for one day during a family holiday.

I want to thank the public and the companies (and I mean this sarcastically) for expecting us to to put aside our own families and not being able to be there for them because you feel the need to do your shopping on Thanksgiving Day for luxury items. Because of this, large companies like the one I work for does not want to miss out on the sales that this one day can generate.

You already have black Friday, now you have to include black Thanksgiving????? I'm also very upset at the companies that can't make a stand for their employees for this very important day in November, Thanksgiving Day. If you believe in family values, why take this time away? Why force mom's, dads, children and grandparents to have to work for fear of losing their jobs. This certainly doesn't boost moral.

Retail has a blackout period where their employees cannot even ask for time off from just before Thanksgiving until after the New Year. Every holiday during the year is like that as well. We cannot travel to be with our families, we are stuck working. Now not only has this whole block of time been taken from us, Thanksgiving Day has been stolen from us as well. We have to work on Thanksgiving Day, an Iconic American Family Holiday, because of the bottom line. When are the managers, company heads going to stand up for the employee and let them have this day back? This is a very sad world we live in.

For those people, who say, well you shouldn't work in that job, if you don't expect to work. I actually had a manager tell me, "This is what you signed up for when you got employed by the company, if family is more important to you, then maybe this is not a good fit for you." How cold and impersonal is that? Jobs are not easy to come by and like most people we have to pay our bills and we don't always have a choice in the jobs we have to take. Retailers are part of the problem of the breakdown of the family and family values, because of what they expect of their employees on important Family holidays. People need to celebrate time together on family holidays.

For those who say, "You can celebrate it before or after the holiday". Are you kidding me? The whole year leads up to this day as a family holiday. Why are we forced to have to celebrate, before or after the holiday??

Because of my work schedule, my whole family won't have a home cooked Thanksgiving meal on Thanksgiving Day, because they are elderly and disabled and can't cook without assistance. My work schedule doesn't only affect me, it affects my whole family on this special day.

This is the ripple effect of large companies decisions to stay open because of their bottom line. It's no wonder people become insensitive to what is important.

The attitudes of people need to change when it comes to what is important and what is expected. Everyone needs to respect the family and their time together, because that is where it all starts. You can't get back time lost. Why wait to realize this when it is too late, after your mom, or dad and grandparents have passed away. YOU CAN'T EVER GET THIS TIME BACK!!

If you can't look forward to family time during important holidays, what do you have?

Things That Matter

As I get older, and yes I'm old. I realize that the important things that matter the most in life is family and friends.

For the first time in my life I work a job that pays a decent wage and both my husband and I can finally save for retirement. We are a little late in life to be having to save for retirement, but we are finally trying to play catch up. We've always worked hard and we've never really had a break when it comes to making enough money. Just like most people.

The thing that is bothering me the most is, that even though I'm very thankful to have a job I'm missing life.

I work as a customer service representative in retail. Retail jobs are not family friendly. I was told when I started my job that after six months I'd be eligible to have two days off in a row. Of course ideally I'd love to have Saturday and Sunday off, but I know that would be very difficult to have. I am trying to get Sunday and Monday off. As it is I took the unsavory hours of second shift, mainly to have the morning with my husband as he also works the second shift. The only day we have together is Sunday. One day a week, which is filled with chores and we don't really get a chance to go anywhere together. I also get a random day off during the week.

My job is giving me grief about getting two days off in a row. They offered two days off during the week, but that defeats the whole purpose of spending time with my husband. It isn't like my husband has two days off during the week, and he can't call out sick to take off with me, any more than I can call out sick for him.

Why is it that job these days are not family friendly? Why do we have to trade what is important to some company's bottom line? Why do jobs penalize their employees for trying to do what is right for our families? How did this world get so mixed up?

Not being able to plan outings with family and friends is stressful and is very depressing. I don't even have time to write anymore. Anyone who knows me knows that writing is a huge part of my life as well. Both my husband and I feel like we are spread too thin. The breaking point is looming ahead like a thunderstorm in the distance. The dark clouds are building and moving towards us, and one day soon the deluge will hit hard and we'll have to make a change, or we'll have lost what is most important to us.

Working retail prevents us from taking time off at Christmas and Holidays together with aging parents and family. We know we only have so much more time before they are gone. Our jobs, don't allow time off if you don't have the time on the books, they scrutinize and frown when you take a sick day and question you if you are late.

I've looked for jobs that are more family friendly, but there aren't many out there, none that are hiring anyway.

People don't last long at the job I am working at this time, which makes it difficult to feel secure. Just as you get to know someone, they are gone, either by getting laid off, fired, or just outright quitting. There is at least a year learning curve for the job, before you actually start to get comfortable, then it changes, so in truth, you never feel comfortable. It is very difficult to feel valued when you know you aren't.

Both my husband and I feel like we have traded what is important for trying to work for our retirement. We are thankful for the opportunity to work, but we are not happy, because we are missing being able to spend time with each other, our family and friends.

We keep working because no one will pay our bills, or provide for us if we choose not to work, so we are working and trying to bide our time.

We ask ourselves if we'll ever get a break in life to have the chance to do what is most important to us.

I wonder will we ever have the courage to walk away and live life the way it is meant to be lived?

Value Each Other

Working with the public is an insane job. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun, fulfilling and exhilarating. It can also be frustrating, maddening, and irritating. There's a whole list of other words I could write down, but I think you get the point.

It amazes me that people in general expect other's to be almost perfect even though they themselves are no where near perfect.

If you make a mistake, or say something wrong unintentionally, or someone misinterprets what you say, because they weren't privy to the whole conversation, it seems they are there to point it out, and I must admit it feels like salt to an open wound. It shouldn't surprise me, but there is always someone there to jump on you like it's the end of the world. To nit pick what they perceive to be wrong about you.

Where were they when you did say and do the right thing?

I am a firm believer in learning from my mistakes as I think everyone should. We should all try to be better people because of our shortcomings, but, I also think that we can learn better when we focus on what is good and what we do right. I believe that focusing on the positive and our strengths truly make us better.

After all, we value things we love and believe in. Shouldn't we try to value each other?