The Holidays and the Sorrow I Feel

It is almost Thanksgiving again. I haven't written a blog since last year at Thanksgiving. I'm saddened and heartbroken that I won't be able to spend the day with my mom again. We will never have the opportunity to have time together for the Holidays. This has been one of the most heartbreaking times I can remember. I don't even have the memories of Thanksgiving for last year, because I was forced to work. I couldn't get off and I tried. I'm sorry I just didn't call out sick and live with the consequences. My last blog covers how I feel about working on the holidays and what happened last year.

My mother has steadily declined in health and we almost lost her a few times before and after Christmas last year and after the first of the year we had a lot of close calls. I took off more and more work, but could't afford to quit, because of bills and having to live. Life has really sucked. Feeling guilty for not being there more for mom, and my brother even though I spend almost all of my free time and days off there trying to help and just be there didn't help the over all guilt.

Mom had been suffering with a failing heart, debilitating diabetes, loss of eye site and excruciating pain from neuropathy that left her bedridden and in and out of reality as her mind became lost in time, then back to reality, letting us know she was not ready to go. Mom fought hard to live, stubborn and opinionated. She loved her family with every fiber of her being and was heart broken as her poor body just gave out. Mom didn't want to give up, but towards the end there was no relief from the pain, she couldn't get around and she depended on everyone to help her with every need. Mom finally started begging for death, because she was suffering so much.

I called my sisters and brother and let family know, that I knew that mom's times was coming to an end. Family came from out of state to be with mom, to be with her and each other, supporting, loving and just being together knowing it would be the last time we'd all be together with mom.

All of us felt helpless, we had help from home nurses that came a few times a week and we finally got Hospice to help out. We couldn't get 24 hour care to help. Mom had been adamant about not going to a home. She wanted to be home in her own bed and not some uncaring care facility where she would be forgotten and would just be waiting to die. Mom considered a home a death sentence.

As a family that last weekend we didn't have a choice. Mom didn't know where she was at most of the time and had been in and out of delirium for weeks. We all decided to have mom put in a home so she could get the care she needed and to help with getting her pain under control. We didn't want mom to suffer in her final days like she had been.

Mom went into the home and four days later she was gone.

On Friday May 10th 2019 at 4:08 pm, our mother died. My brother Chuck and I were with her as she took her last breath and slipped away to soar with the Angels and to go home to God. I can't even express the grief and sadness we felt as we stood by her side with no choice but to watch her go. We called our sisters, Kathy and Linda, my brother Alex. We tried to console each other, but grief has no timeline.

I pushed myself to work after taking time off, but it didn't help. It doesn't help to keep pushing through. I'm working job I resent. working weekends and holidays isn't working for me. I need change in my life. Other things are going on in my life that I won't talk about here and I'm having a difficult time handling everything. I can't face the holidays this year and work. I need time off. I need time with family. No job is so important that you have to miss the most important things in life. I'll find a way to be with family this year no matter what it takes.

Don't put off being with family and loved ones, because one day they won't be here. Make your time count.