Christmas Isn't Just A Day On The Calendar

Christmas isn't just a day on the calendar. It is a season that is meant for family and friends gathering together, celebrating life, supporting each other, loving each other through our laughter and our tears. It is believing in all that God has to offer. It is having faith that things will be alright even when things look their darkest.

For me, too many years have passed where Christmas has been lost. Not enough time to celebrate, not enough time to take off to be with family, Not enough time to let the season build up to the climax that is meant to be.

The plain and simple fact is, I'm hurting deep inside and a part of me feels broken. Too much is going on inside of me. I have confided in someone that I feel and care way to much. I feel so much it hurts and I don't know how to handle it, it's like I'm almost going numb inside as a way to protect myself. It is all very confusing. I also feel guilty that I'm having a difficult time handling it.

I am lost, which is why I'm finally taking time for myself. I'm taking a breather away from work and will try to take time to try to heal. I can't take care of anyone else until I care for what I need. The problem is I'm not sure exactly what I need. I'm thankful that my husband is understanding during this time and is supporting me.

I am also thankful for a beautiful soul who has heard my heart, has not judged me and who has been there as only a true friend can be. Who tells me every chance they get, that I have "got this day".

During a talk recently I was told that I am blessed. I looked at this person with a look I know showed my doubts. This person said that I may feel out of control and very hurt and devastated right now, but that also means I "feel" and "enjoy" and I take great pleasure in the things that mean the most in life as well. Whether it be with friends, family, or seeing the beauty around me in everyday living.

I've been reminded that I need to lean on faith and renew my belief in God that he will lead me to where I am meant to be.

Maybe my Christmas miracle will be that I find my way again and find the balance I need in my life that will allow me to live again with meaning in my life and the confidence I need for my future.

As I said in the first paragraph Christmas isn't just a day on the calendar. It is a season that is meant for family and friends gathering together, celebrating life, supporting each other, loving each other through our laughter and our tears. It is believing in all that God has to offer. It is having faith that things will be alright even when things look their darkest.

I will look to the light of God to lead me in faith.

Christmas is Coming

It is December 4th and Christmas is coming closer with each day that passes. I'm working and the anxiety I feel as I push to go to work each day is getting worse and worse.

The best things is, I have memories of taking mom shopping. She could barely get around, but she was stubborn and insisted in getting out. She bought a Christmas sweater with bells and large green and red fuzzy balls and sparkles to wear on Christmas. She saw a Mrs Santa dress she wanted me to wear on Christmas and of course I got it and I wore it on Christmas Day.

I'm truly trying to look at the blessings I have and I have a lot of them, but I'd be remiss to not acknowledge the heartache our family is going through.

My sister's Kathy ex mother-in-law died on Monday December 2nd. She died in a similar way my mother died. We were all family from the very beginning, the separation doesn't take the love we all have for each other.

My cousin's husband is very sick, he has brain cancer and sadly I understand he isn't expected to live. We were all close at one time and I feel for my (sister)cousin and my nieces for what they are going through. It isn't easy and my heart breaks for them.

My {brother) Cousin, ex wife has pancreatic stage 4 cancer. The heartache I feel for my niece and the whole family is real even though we don't see each other.

I just want to say, I love my family, my cousins and all of my nieces and nephews even though we don't see each other or talk. I've always prayed and wanted their lives to be good.

You can see why this Christmas is hard, it is hard for everyone. My husbands mother is getting up there with her own medical issues and my husbands brother is also sick.


This year at Christmas I'm going to try do do everything I can to be with my family. I am asking for FMLA, and if I can't get it, I'd be willing to quit my job to be with them. Emotionally, I'm a nervous wreck and it is very difficult to function on a daily basis. We To see family and to spend time with them. We need each other. I need them. Selling luxury jewelry isn't important when family needs each other. I can't give 100% to my customers when my mind and heart are somewhere else and I'm falling apart.

My family has a lot of blessings, I have a lot of blessings. We have our families and we are there for each other when we can be.

I am hopeful that as Christmas comes, we can make the magic of Christmas happen by being together and reigniting what Christmas is to all of us.

I have to go for now.

Count your blessings.

The Holidays and the Sorrow I Feel

It is almost Thanksgiving again. I haven't written a blog since last year at Thanksgiving. I'm saddened and heartbroken that I won't be able to spend the day with my mom again. We will never have the opportunity to have time together for the Holidays. This has been one of the most heartbreaking times I can remember. I don't even have the memories of Thanksgiving for last year, because I was forced to work. I couldn't get off and I tried. I'm sorry I just didn't call out sick and live with the consequences. My last blog covers how I feel about working on the holidays and what happened last year.

My mother has steadily declined in health and we almost lost her a few times before and after Christmas last year and after the first of the year we had a lot of close calls. I took off more and more work, but could't afford to quit, because of bills and having to live. Life has really sucked. Feeling guilty for not being there more for mom, and my brother even though I spend almost all of my free time and days off there trying to help and just be there didn't help the over all guilt.

Mom had been suffering with a failing heart, debilitating diabetes, loss of eye site and excruciating pain from neuropathy that left her bedridden and in and out of reality as her mind became lost in time, then back to reality, letting us know she was not ready to go. Mom fought hard to live, stubborn and opinionated. She loved her family with every fiber of her being and was heart broken as her poor body just gave out. Mom didn't want to give up, but towards the end there was no relief from the pain, she couldn't get around and she depended on everyone to help her with every need. Mom finally started begging for death, because she was suffering so much.

I called my sisters and brother and let family know, that I knew that mom's times was coming to an end. Family came from out of state to be with mom, to be with her and each other, supporting, loving and just being together knowing it would be the last time we'd all be together with mom.

All of us felt helpless, we had help from home nurses that came a few times a week and we finally got Hospice to help out. We couldn't get 24 hour care to help. Mom had been adamant about not going to a home. She wanted to be home in her own bed and not some uncaring care facility where she would be forgotten and would just be waiting to die. Mom considered a home a death sentence.

As a family that last weekend we didn't have a choice. Mom didn't know where she was at most of the time and had been in and out of delirium for weeks. We all decided to have mom put in a home so she could get the care she needed and to help with getting her pain under control. We didn't want mom to suffer in her final days like she had been.

Mom went into the home and four days later she was gone.

On Friday May 10th 2019 at 4:08 pm, our mother died. My brother Chuck and I were with her as she took her last breath and slipped away to soar with the Angels and to go home to God. I can't even express the grief and sadness we felt as we stood by her side with no choice but to watch her go. We called our sisters, Kathy and Linda, my brother Alex. We tried to console each other, but grief has no timeline.

I pushed myself to work after taking time off, but it didn't help. It doesn't help to keep pushing through. I'm working job I resent. working weekends and holidays isn't working for me. I need change in my life. Other things are going on in my life that I won't talk about here and I'm having a difficult time handling everything. I can't face the holidays this year and work. I need time off. I need time with family. No job is so important that you have to miss the most important things in life. I'll find a way to be with family this year no matter what it takes.

Don't put off being with family and loved ones, because one day they won't be here. Make your time count.