What The Pandemic of 2020 Has Taught Me.

All of us has been taught valuable lessons from the Pandemic of 2020 and the stories will be told for generations to come. 

Life is short, as I get older I find myself looking back on my life and realize on a deeper level that family is everything. I missed a lot as I put work first trying to make money to pay bills. Don't get me wrong, paying bills and daily living is important, we must pay our own way and be a productive part of society. 

The sad part for me is that my husband and I have worked very hard our entire life and when the pandemic happened, we had the rug pulled out from under us and everything financially we have worked for, especially for retirement has been taken from us. 

I'm tired and sometimes don't know if I have it in me to continue working so hard. Starting over is difficult, when your older and starting over, it is even more difficult. Good jobs are hard to come by and jobs with health benefits are even harder to come by. Now working difficult hours are expected and now we have to do it without health benefits.

Working as hard as we have we missed being with family, for important occasions and just being with them.  I missed the last Thanksgiving in 2018 when my mother was alive. I'll never get that back. My job at Blue Nile, told me I had to work. I was afraid of loosing my job, so I cried through the whole shift and the supervisor on shift told me without any feeling, I should just leave, because this was obviously a job that didn't fit my lifestyle. Explain to me how being with family during the holidays is a life style. Even the customer's who called in asked why we were even there, most thought they'd get to leave a message for a callback. I politely would say, because as long as people called in on holidays, the company would remain open making us work. 

Most people don't realize when they are home during the holidays, that corporations stay open, especially retail, and people have to work, because companies won't let their employees off because of the almighty dollar. Company's only look at their bottom line and forget about the people who they expect to work their awful hours.  Most people who have to work those very difficult hours/ days/ nights, have husbands, wives, daughter, sons, mother's and father's and other family members. Why would companies expect their employees to miss important holidays and have to celebrate at a later date, if they even can that is not the actual holiday.

Being home during the pandemic and spending time with other family members has been an unexpected blessing, even though I had to quite my job because my husband was laid off from his job. It would have been difficult financially, but I should have quite the job at Blue Nile instead of trying to hang on because of a good paycheck. Companies like that are not flexible about taking time off.

I should have made the choice to leave it behind. I will never get that time back with my mother and my other family members. 

The pandemic has forced us to slow down, to isolate and to spend time with family when we could. We got to know our family again, for us this has been a blessing. A blessing I don't want to let go. 

I find myself at a retail job again and I truly resent this. I have to force myself to leave my home to make money so our bills can be paid. I swore I'd never let a job take me away from my family like it used to be. 

I have changed and I don't know how much I can take if I can't take off when my family is here visiting, or we need to go be with family help them. 

I didn't realize how tired I really am. Being forced to stay home has really magnified it for me and now that I have to work again, I don't want to go back to the way it was. 

I pray to God constantly, for a miracle. 

Change Is Difficult AMIDST OF COVID-19

 I really miss writing stories. I hope that one day soon I can actually start writing again. As any writer knows, the journey of writing includes the journey of life. I laugh in irony and am trying to catch my breath. The curve balls just never stop coming.

These last few years, life has taken my husband and I on an unforgettable heart wrenching journey we never expected and it has still left us reeling like we are in some alternate universe and twilight zone.

Even though it has almost been three years, I'm still grieving the loss of my mother. Watching her decline over the last few years of her life and finally standing by her bedside, holding her hand and watching her take her last breath on Thursday May 10th, 2018 at 4:08 pm has left me broken. I'm still trying to move on from the grief, but it comes back in waves at the most unexpected times. 

My husband Russ was laid off from his job at Boeing in June of 2019 as a direct result of COVID-19. We couldn't stay in Washington State to live and pay our bills. We had to make some life changing decisions when we realized Russ would be laid off. 

We needed to find a place to live with a lower cost of living and we decided to move to Kingman Arizona. We put our house up for sale and it sold in one weekend. I quite my job and we went to Arizona to find a house. We found a small home with a lot of potential, went back to Washington to pack up. My sister and her husband came up from California to help us get packed up and move. We drove to Arizona in a small caravan with all of our belongings.

We had to stay in a hotel for almost a week waiting for our house to close in July. Luckily, even though the house is 15 years old, it was clean enough to be move in ready. It was miserable because we were trying to move into our home in the midst of a heat wave. We were doing what we needed to do to survive. My sister Kathy and her husband Wade were such a great help and I will never forget the time they gave and their generosity as we got settled that first week. 

After Kathy and Wade went back home to California, Russ and I worked hard, cleaning and working on our little corner of heaven, our forever home. We couldn't really meet people, because of COVID-19. We stayed to ourselves and just familiarized ourselves with our new surroundings when we needed to go out to get the things we needed. Even our neighbors stayed away, introduced ourselves from a distance. We live around some very nice people, most are retired, other's work and are gone most of the time. I really love our little community. 

I really don't mind the loneliness at this time. We are trying to deal with all the change that has happened. I miss my mother and talking to her, I miss my brother in Washington state and I am afraid of what the future holds. We have a chance at a new beginning and wonderful things. I just hope things work out as we want them too.

I'll talk about jobs and looking for work on my next post...

A Christmas Wish for Inspiration

I wish for inspiration for writing what I love. Now that we are in our forever home in Arizona, I wish to find a day job that will allow me to have weekends and holidays off with full benefits, so I can have time with family, friends and writing what I love.

It has been awhile since I've written anything, it has been quite a while since I've had any inspiration to write anything, so I thought I'd write here to get what I feel out into the universe. 

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year, well actually all the holidays are. They all hold something special for me and they all include my love for my family and friends and the memories I have. I believe it is very important to spend time with family and friends, because life is short and we have to let our loved ones know how we feel. When we look back on our lives, we only remember the memories and the imprints we leave on each other and I don't want to live my life without these memories anymore.

I wasn't going to decorate for Christmas, because we have too much going on with fixing up the house we moved into. Ours house is a mess with everything we are doing. I was at my sister Kathy's home with her husband Wade in California for Thanksgiving to be with family. Yes, we had small gatherings and we practiced social distancing and we were all responsible in our interactions. 

After Thanksgiving, my sister Kathy got her Christmas decorations out and she set up her tree. I told her I wasn't going to decorate for Christmas at my house. We spent the morning decorating her home  and like a great sister, she was not so subtle in telling me that I should decorate at least a little, that it didn't matter we were still working on our home and it was a mess. We all need a little Christmas. My husband never helps me decorate and the last few years it seemed it didn't matter one way or another if I did. He seemed to support my decision not to decorate. 

Once we got home to our house in Arizona, I did get out our fake five foot tree and put it up. Russ came in from outside and I was looking at our tree with a little dismay. we have ten foot ceilings and this little tree looked so out of place. With money short in our lives I was going to make it work for us. 

We had to do some running around to get done and Russ told me we should look at trees. I didn't want to get a real one because we wouldn't be home for Christmas and it would just die anyway. There was a huge nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree we were both drawn too. I was surprised my husband showed this much interest. I realized he wanted our home to be decorated. Well, to my surprise we brought the tree home and it is now up with all of the little ornaments I had in storage for 9 years. (that is another story) I decorated a little around the house, just enough to give us a little Christmas joy in our forever home. 

Now what I need is a little inspiration to come up with a story idea.

I pray for a good job after the new year and for everything to start falling into place. 

I pray for everyone. We can all use a little Christmas magic after the year we have had.

 

2020 The Worst Year In Memory

It is already November 1st of 2020. What a year. Everyone has a story to tell about this terrible year as the hits just kept on coming for most of us and it isn't even done yet. I try to be optimistic about the coming year of 2021, but too much has happened and nothing is ever going to be the same. 

Russ was layed off from his job at Boeing in June because of COVID19. Unfortunately, my paycheck couldn't pay the bills we had and we ended up having to sell our home in Washington State and move to Arizona where it is definitely a lower cost of living. Even though I had a job I ended up losing it because of COVID19 as well by having to quit. 

Now, we are both unemployed and trying to live on his unemployment. I'm trying to get unemployment because of the circumstances of COVID19, but so far I've been denied and I'm trying to appeal the decision. It doesn't seem right there is help for people who lose their job because of COVID19, as far as unemployment and the pandemic help from the federal government, but I can't get any help because I wasn't layed off even though I had to quit because of COVID19. 

Jobs with benefits are very difficult to come by and that is what we need, especially with COVID19 still threatening our health. I pray we don't get sick, because what little we have would be gone if we did get sick. We use our masks and social distance as required just to be safe. Washing hands and disinfecting is not really new to us since we've always had good hygiene. 

All around us people are affected by COVID19. Family and friends are getting sick and dying, businesses are cutting back hours and closing their doors and we are all told to stay home and only go out when necessary to keep from giving it to each other until a vaccine can be made to kill off the disease.

It is scary to be out because of how angry people are, the riots, the lawlessness, the racism, the hate and the civil unrest on top of there being an election in a couple of days. It is a very scary time to live with all of the uncertainly. 

I had to go shopping for a few things today and I couldn't believe the anger and rudeness in people as I went through the store to get what I needed. Being nice and smiling at people just didn't cut it for most of the people I came across today. I was cussed out for no apparent reason, scowled because someone was in a hurry and I wasn't fast enough at getting out of their way. I looked around at people not seeing any smiles. I realized I wasn't the only one people were mean to. I saw what I was feeling in other peoples faces as they did their shopping too. Geesh, I tell you I couldn't wait to get home just to be away from the meanness people were displaying today. 

Well, with all the negative things happening in the world and the United States right now, I look to our blessings, even though they are hard to see sometimes, I know I have many, I have God in my life. I have a  wonderful family and awesome friends. I'm thankful for each and every one of them. I have a home to live in surrounded with photos of the people who I love the most and by the things I have collected through the years that holds all my memories of the life I have lived. 

I may not know what our future holds for us with all of the uncertainly, but I will always look to all of the blessings we have. 

Happy New Year 2020

Happy New Year Everyone!

We are getting ready to go home from our Christmas vacation tomorrow morning from here in California. Back to Washington, back to work, back to routine. I've decided not to have any New Years resolution this year. I just want God to lead the way. I have too much going on inside of me to really narrow it down.

Being with family this year was what was needed for all of us. 2019 was a trying year and now I just need to look forward. I pray it is a good year for all of us.

This is a short post, mainly I wanted to take the time to wish everyone who reads this a blessed new year.

Christmas Isn't Just A Day On The Calendar

Christmas isn't just a day on the calendar. It is a season that is meant for family and friends gathering together, celebrating life, supporting each other, loving each other through our laughter and our tears. It is believing in all that God has to offer. It is having faith that things will be alright even when things look their darkest.

For me, too many years have passed where Christmas has been lost. Not enough time to celebrate, not enough time to take off to be with family, Not enough time to let the season build up to the climax that is meant to be.

The plain and simple fact is, I'm hurting deep inside and a part of me feels broken. Too much is going on inside of me. I have confided in someone that I feel and care way to much. I feel so much it hurts and I don't know how to handle it, it's like I'm almost going numb inside as a way to protect myself. It is all very confusing. I also feel guilty that I'm having a difficult time handling it.

I am lost, which is why I'm finally taking time for myself. I'm taking a breather away from work and will try to take time to try to heal. I can't take care of anyone else until I care for what I need. The problem is I'm not sure exactly what I need. I'm thankful that my husband is understanding during this time and is supporting me.

I am also thankful for a beautiful soul who has heard my heart, has not judged me and who has been there as only a true friend can be. Who tells me every chance they get, that I have "got this day".

During a talk recently I was told that I am blessed. I looked at this person with a look I know showed my doubts. This person said that I may feel out of control and very hurt and devastated right now, but that also means I "feel" and "enjoy" and I take great pleasure in the things that mean the most in life as well. Whether it be with friends, family, or seeing the beauty around me in everyday living.

I've been reminded that I need to lean on faith and renew my belief in God that he will lead me to where I am meant to be.

Maybe my Christmas miracle will be that I find my way again and find the balance I need in my life that will allow me to live again with meaning in my life and the confidence I need for my future.

As I said in the first paragraph Christmas isn't just a day on the calendar. It is a season that is meant for family and friends gathering together, celebrating life, supporting each other, loving each other through our laughter and our tears. It is believing in all that God has to offer. It is having faith that things will be alright even when things look their darkest.

I will look to the light of God to lead me in faith.

Christmas is Coming

It is December 4th and Christmas is coming closer with each day that passes. I'm working and the anxiety I feel as I push to go to work each day is getting worse and worse.

The best things is, I have memories of taking mom shopping. She could barely get around, but she was stubborn and insisted in getting out. She bought a Christmas sweater with bells and large green and red fuzzy balls and sparkles to wear on Christmas. She saw a Mrs Santa dress she wanted me to wear on Christmas and of course I got it and I wore it on Christmas Day.

I'm truly trying to look at the blessings I have and I have a lot of them, but I'd be remiss to not acknowledge the heartache our family is going through.

My sister's Kathy ex mother-in-law died on Monday December 2nd. She died in a similar way my mother died. We were all family from the very beginning, the separation doesn't take the love we all have for each other.

My cousin's husband is very sick, he has brain cancer and sadly I understand he isn't expected to live. We were all close at one time and I feel for my (sister)cousin and my nieces for what they are going through. It isn't easy and my heart breaks for them.

My {brother) Cousin, ex wife has pancreatic stage 4 cancer. The heartache I feel for my niece and the whole family is real even though we don't see each other.

I just want to say, I love my family, my cousins and all of my nieces and nephews even though we don't see each other or talk. I've always prayed and wanted their lives to be good.

You can see why this Christmas is hard, it is hard for everyone. My husbands mother is getting up there with her own medical issues and my husbands brother is also sick.


This year at Christmas I'm going to try do do everything I can to be with my family. I am asking for FMLA, and if I can't get it, I'd be willing to quit my job to be with them. Emotionally, I'm a nervous wreck and it is very difficult to function on a daily basis. We To see family and to spend time with them. We need each other. I need them. Selling luxury jewelry isn't important when family needs each other. I can't give 100% to my customers when my mind and heart are somewhere else and I'm falling apart.

My family has a lot of blessings, I have a lot of blessings. We have our families and we are there for each other when we can be.

I am hopeful that as Christmas comes, we can make the magic of Christmas happen by being together and reigniting what Christmas is to all of us.

I have to go for now.

Count your blessings.